Happy Thursday everybody. So sometimes the universe reminds you that for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Like Jesse Watters getting the 8 p.m. hour after being diagnosed with micro-penis.
EMILY COMPAGNO: Do we say that?
Yes. Here’s another example. The wildly popular comedian named Shane Gillis, if you’ve never heard of them, here’s a taste.
SHANE GILLIS: The night the United States killed the leader of ISIS, Trump comes out of the Situation Room at like midnight… He walks up in front the entire world at midnight and just goes: Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead. He died like a dog… In front of the whole world, Abu. We can hear him crying, I said, Abu, don’t you? Let me tell you something. Abu cried, he cried quite a bit. I wouldn’t have cried. Cry baby Baghdadi. That’s what we were all calling him.
He’s funny and he does Trump better than Alec Baldwin. Plus, he hasn’t shot anyone, yet. But what’s special about Gillis is that he beat cancel culture. In 2019, he was hired as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, but was fired before he ever appeared on the show after people dug up old clips in which he made jokes about Asians. Now, if you’ve seen SNL in the past few years, you might even say he got lucky. You know, he’s like the guy who causes a ruckus at the gate, so he’s banned from boarding the plane, and then that flight crashes. SNL is like that crashing plane only not as funny.
Thank you. I got some applause from a sick person, but it’s no surprise they fired him before he set foot on stage. He was too dangerous for elitist snobs who think anything Trump or Republican, is an automatic punchline. He also didn’t tick any boxes that they liked, and the ones he did, White and male, were like a French kiss from your grandmother. The last thing they wanted. But the fact is they needed him more than he needed them, because since then he’s become a huge success. Enter Bud Light, you remember them, right? Last year, they briefly partnered with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney, which alienated their customer base, resulting in boycotts that cost billions. Thank God we never covered that.
GREG GUTFELD APRIL 13: It started April 1st after Mulvaney, aka Pee Wee her/him… Anheuser-Busch has lost 5 billion with a B as in B cup.
GREG GUTFELD APRIL 17: Sales are plummeting faster than Hunter Biden’s pants in a porno theater… Mulvaney influenced Bud’s customers to switch to St. Pauli Girl, so they won’t have to wonder what’s under the skirts.
GREG GUTFELD MAY 17: After all, we prefer our beer nuts to be in a bowl.
GREG GUTFELD JUNE 30: It’s the first time Dylan’s complaining about the scandal. More proof that he’s not a woman.
GREG GUTFELD APRIL 13: How do you like them Adam’s Apples?
So thanks to their woke desperation, Anheuser-Busch’s stock dropped faster than Chris Christie in a hot air balloon. So did they learn their lesson? It appears so, because guess who Bud Light is partnering with now, Shane Gillis. Yes, it appears public humiliation works because Bud Light severed ties with Mulvaney faster than Meghan Markle severed Prince Harry’s balls. On the spectrum of regular dudeness, Dennis Gillis is about as far away as you can get from Mulvaney without a beer belly transplant. And so Bud announced on Instagram: Welcome to the team @ShaneMGillis, excited to be part of your 2024 tour. And you got to admit, that’s a much better slogan than 2023’s Bud the king of Beers for queens with penises. So why now? Well, maybe they tuned into Joe Rogan.
JOE ROGAN MAY 2023: I feel like you should be the new spokesperson, you can turn this **** around.
SHANE GILLIES MAY 2023: They better hurry up and give me some money, or I’m going to start drinking Coors Light.
Who knew it was that easy? I should try that. Hey, Preparation H, you better give me some money or I’m going to switch the Tucks. You don’t know Tucks?
TYRUS: No, I don’t.
Then you haven’t lived.
TYRUS: I haven’t lived.
So now Anheuser-Busch clearly wants to move on and start selling beer again. They learned two key rules of marketing: Don’t insult your core customers and when choosing a spokeswoman, beer drinking bro’s want girls in bikinis, not girls who ask for a reach around.
EMILY COMPAGNO: Oh my God.
And with Gillis, what better spokesman than a guy who actually looks like he uses the product a lot? That’s how companies laugh all the way to the bank and not the unemployment line. Mulvaney acted like he’d never seen a beer before the ad was shot, but Gillis looks like he spoons with a 30-pack every night. It’s imperative. Find a spokesperson who seems like they use the product or hell even looks like the product. If I were Mattel, I’d hire this lady to sell He-Man dolls.
TYRUS: One of my childhood favorite toys.
I’m sorry. Alissa Heinerscheid remember, that’s the executive who brought on Mulvaney [and] once complained that Bud had used too much fratty humor in the past. And guess who handed me my Quarter Pounder through the drive-through window yesterday? Alissa Heinerscheid. I kid McDonald’s is for fratty jerks, too. But you know who likes fratty humor? Beer drinkers. People who enjoy drinking beer. Your customers. You’re not selling to tran influencers. There’s only one and you used them in the ad. So, Bud’s doing the right thing, and good for them. Maybe our leaders will learn the same lesson. If you insult the people who made you, they can unmake you too. At least now they have a spokesman, emphasis on man, who will make us laugh on purpose, and not because he looks like Audrey Hepburn. If anything, this opens the door for other troubled brands to do the same. Because, you know, maybe dudes are the answer. Maybe Disney should hire Larry the Cable Guy, hell Ben and Jerry’s should hire Tyrus. He could have his own flavor, Kick-Ass Crunch.
TYRUS: I might try that.
Yeah, and Victoria’s secret. You know, maybe it’s time.
EMILY COMPAGNO: Oh my God.
I’ll get in shape. So good on Bud Light for rediscovering its core values while SNL limps along like a solar powered Prius. First Bud got the UFC, then Peyton Manning, and now Gillis. If they got any frattier, they’d sponsor a fart lighting contest.